Katy Perry Buys a Flying Pig Ring for Swine Flu Because She’s a Dumb Whore

According to Katy Perry’s blog, “swine flu” is the new “feigning-bisexuality-to-get-attention”. Like, super trendy!

since swine flu is super trendy I wanted to make sure I was in style with my swine flu ring! I got this one in Miami at Big Drop the other day… a flying piggy. Perfect. Kitty Purry was telling me the other night that she remembers when bird flu was in and now pig flu is cool and she wonders when kitty flu is gonna hit, as she would like to be more popular than she currently already is… fame whore.

Is she attempting to take ubiquitous hipster douchebaggery to a new level, making an ironic statement on how incredibly unironic attempting to make an ironic statement with your clothing is? Is this über-irony?

And, perhaps most importantly, does that picture of her look like what would happen if Delta Burke and Pulp Fiction’s Mia Wallace had a lovechild, and that lovechild grew up to be a transvestite with a plastic face that wore way too much makeup and fashioned their own clothes out of material inspired by the cover art of a 1980s era Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper?

 

May the 4th Be With You (in bed)

So, I was originally going to compose a separate post to announce to this blog’s average daily readership of 1.3427 people that Mockery Court is officially back in session, but then I realized that it’s motherfuckin’ Star Wars Day (!), and I decided that, well, it would require less effort on my part to announce it this way.

The fact that someone, somewhere (they would be British) put actual thought into the timing of this holiday (”May the 4th Be With You totally sounds like May the Force be with you! Get it? It’s a pun!”) pretty much makes fun of itself, so I’ll get right to the good stuff.

 

Science Finally Finds Solution to Age-Old Dilemma!

Have you always been intrigued by the possibility of a homeopathic panacea that utilizes an imprint of your personal total bio-energetic signature, but been dismayed by the lack of options that fit your on-the-go lifestyle? Well, fret no more my friend. The All-New (!) Eagle Guardian Homeopathic Imprinter & Potentizer is the breakthrough you’ve been pray-chanting to your assortment of colored crystals for!

The amazing technology to actually harness the healing power of your own, personal, total bio-energetic signature and store it in a handy (and highly portable!) glass vial can now be yours! Don’t be the last person you know to own what is being hailed as “one of the most exciting and promising discoveries in the field of vibrational medicine”!

And for those of you who can’t live without the latest and greatest accessories for your technological toys, don’t forget to snatch up one of the SP3 Imprinting Plates! Just plug this bad boy into either the input OR output jacks on your Eagle Guardian (talk about multipurpose!) to enjoy all the added benefits that this special combination of “the principles of Ancient Geometry” with “the principles of Vortex Technology” has to offer!

You won’t find the Eagle Guardian and SP3 Imprinting Plate in any store! With a few clicks of the mouse, it can all be yours for the small price of $897, so hurry and order yours today! Hell, the nice folks at EMR Labs will even ship it to you free of charge (As long as your cult’s compound is located within the contiguous United States. No P.O. boxes.)!

 

“How do I find the height of a quadrilateral triangle?”

Step #1: Locate example of triangle with four sides. Step #2: There isn’t one.

* To be fair, dear Question Asker, I do understand what question you’re actually trying to ask. But I still feel like making fun of the way your dumbass asked it.

 

“Will all the toilet water it a toilet bowl evaporate if not flushed in a very very long time or does it replenish itself without being flushed?”

As far as the first part of your question is concerned… umm, yes, standing water in an open container has a tendency to evaporate over time. The second part of your question has rendered me a bit dumbfounded… obviously toilet water will replenish itself without being flushed. Of course, this is assuming that you, 1) keep your toilet outside, and 2) don’t live in an arid, sub-tropical desert region. Or 3) it occasionally rains in your bathroom.

Flush your goddamn toilet.

 

“Is the German language called German? Or something else?”

Well, technically speaking, the German language is called Deutsch, but I doubt that’s what you’re really asking. If you travel abroad, please make sure to announce that you’re an American. Loudly. To anyone with whom you remotely come into contact.

 

Perez Hilton Does His Part To Ensure Our Collective Cultural Death Spiral Continues Apace

I’m not sure which is more depressing; the fact that Perez Hilton has officially become a published author, or the fact that there is apparently a large enough potential customer base to warrant his blathering being made available in book form.

Do the majority of his site’s regular visitors actually, like, read books?

 

Save Your Marriage By Squeezing One Out Together

Ok, so this isn’t exactly the newest of new inventions, but true genius never gets old, right? What can be done to salvage the relationship when you and your partner are growing increasingly disgusted with each other? Why, take a crap together of course!

The TwoDaLoo pretty much just makes fun of itself. Even the name is perfection, and I cannot stop saying it. What I want to know is… who’s the lucky bastard that gets to watch the TwoDaLoo’s one 7″ LCD television?

 

Michael Savage Wants To Know Why Anyone Would Ever Travel Anywhere

So I was listening to Michael Savage’s radio show yesterday (don’t ask), when he brought up this recent article in the L.A. Times, entitled “Athens overrated? Yes, and there’s more such travel spots”. I’m guessing what the author might’ve been shooting for is that there ARE more such travel spots. But I digress. Ol’ Mikey seemed rather perplexed by the notion that there could possibly be a reason to, like, go other places, because he likes “his bed” and “his curtains”.

Well shit, Cleetus, I ain’t got no idea why’s anyone would think goin’ to other places wouldn’t be no complete waste of time. What use do I got for fuhrners? Ah don’t wanna leave behind mah freedom fries and “Bless the Troops” car magnet just to go subject mahself to those feckin’ America hatin’ terrorists and their devil talk. They’s probably all a buncha ho-mo-sectuals anyhow.

Why would any self respecting person want to waste their time exposing themselves to different cultures? You have posed a question for the ages, Monsieur Savage.

Might it be to *gasp* learn a thing or two? Expand their worldview? I know, I know… those things are icky and knowledge is dangerous. But bear with me here, my real issue is with the ridiculous twit that wrote the article to which you are referring.

 

“How do you strain alcohol from hair spray?”

Oh sweet Jesus. You don’t, child. You go to the gas station and flirtaciously approach strangers until you find one skeezy enough to buy you a couple bottles of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill because he gets a tiny ego boost by convincing his constantly-rejected-self that a 17 year old high school student might let him feel her up in the backseat of his ‘91 station wagon in return. Now put on your jammies and go to bed.