Speaking of sites to which I have a raging addiction, my beloved Pajiba has posted an article profiling the 15 highest grossing “films” (quotation marks because I use this term rather loosely) of this last year. If you’ve ever wondered why Hollywood continues to churn out inexplicable crap at an increasingly exponential rate… this list is your answer. To be fair, I have only seen 4 of the 15, but, luckily, I’m never one to let something like a complete lack of firsthand knowledge stand in the way of my passing judgement.
15. Wanted. Didn’t see it, but I didn’t actively avoid going to see it either. Meh. It seemed like it might provide the opportunity for a few hours of mindless action and violence, so I don’t fault the general public for choosing it as a means of weekend escapism. Besides, I fucking loved Rambo (God help me), so there’s no accounting for taste.
14. The Incredible Hulk. Didn’t see it. I’ve got a total soft spot for comic books and their movie adaptations (Daniel Clowes and Ghost World, both the comic and the film, are personal favorites), but few previews have elicited less of a reaction from me, whether good or bad. Maybe it was that I just could not buy Edward Norton as Bruce Banner. As a Venice Beach Neo-Nazi or schizophrenic group therapy devotee? Yes. As the Incredible Hulk? Notsomuch.
13. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince of Caspian. Didn’t see it. Blame it on my decidedly non-religious upbringing, or the fact that I spent my youth playing Number Munchers and the only fantasy world in which I immersed myself was that of Star Wars, but C.S. Lewis annoys the everlivin’ snot out of me. I do get a kick out of the inherent irony in the idea of a fantasy world for the religious crowd, though.
12. Mamma Mia!. Why, Meryl Streep, why? Pierce Brosnan sings. ABBA songs. Just typing that makes me want to stab myself in the face.
11. Sex & The City. My sister managed to drag me to the theater for this one after playing the I-just-want-to-spend-some-time-with-my-older-sister guilt card. The most amusing moment was the psychotic harpy look on Charlotte’s face when the girls where stuffing Carrie back into the limo after she assaulted Big with her bridal bouquet. I will admit that the scene with Miranda and Steve on the Brooklyn Bridge did get me a little choked up, though. I must’ve been on my period or something.
10. Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears a Who. Didn’t see it, but I reserve any judgment because, well, who doesn’t love the Seuss?
9. Quantum of Solace. I should probably make a little confession here. The list of movies which my not-having-seen never fails to elicit a response along the lines of “WHAT?!” is quite long. And impressive. Every single James Bond movie is on this list. And I’d never seen Jurassic Park until about 3 weeks ago.
8. Twilight. I have only one thing to say about this movie (and book series, for that matter). These vampires can’t go out in the sun because they fucking GLITTER. Gawd, that’s so emo.
7. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa. Well, if I had kids, I’d probably prefer they watch something like this over Barney or Boomba (the creepiest motherfuckin’ cartoon I’ve ever seen). That’s all I got.
6. Kung Fu Panda. Jack Black ranks somewhere right above Dane Cook on my “Comedians That Are So Unfunny, It’s Not Even Funny” list. But I like Kung Fu. And I like pandas. I’ll give it a pass.
5. Wall-E. Apparently it takes a robot to leave my heart completely and hopelessly melted. Go figure. It really disturbs my friends how well I can impersonate Wall-E’s voice. I also do a mean Road Runner.
4. Hancock. Given the comic-book-as-movie trend of late, the anti-superhero could’ve been an interesting premise. Which actor would be my hands down last choice to play such a character? Will Smith.
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Please refer to my comments on #9. I played the Game of Life: Indiana Jones edition once while mildly buzzed, if that counts.
2. Iron Man. What’s that, you say? Robert Downey Jr. is in it? He’s been spending some time pumping the ol’ iron? Sold! The only complaint I have about this movie is that I had Black Sabbath stuck on endless loop in my head for, seriously, at least 2 weeks afterward.
1. The Dark Knight. Love. Pure love. Best part of the whole movie? The look on the Joker’s face when he sits down and says “Hi.” to Harvey.
