Katy Perry Buys a Flying Pig Ring for Swine Flu Because She’s a Dumb Whore

According to Katy Perry’s blog, “swine flu” is the new “feigning-bisexuality-to-get-attention”. Like, super trendy!

since swine flu is super trendy I wanted to make sure I was in style with my swine flu ring! I got this one in Miami at Big Drop the other day… a flying piggy. Perfect. Kitty Purry was telling me the other night that she remembers when bird flu was in and now pig flu is cool and she wonders when kitty flu is gonna hit, as she would like to be more popular than she currently already is… fame whore.

Is she attempting to take ubiquitous hipster douchebaggery to a new level, making an ironic statement on how incredibly unironic attempting to make an ironic statement with your clothing is? Is this über-irony?

And, perhaps most importantly, does that picture of her look like what would happen if Delta Burke and Pulp Fiction’s Mia Wallace had a lovechild, and that lovechild grew up to be a transvestite with a plastic face that wore way too much makeup and fashioned their own clothes out of material inspired by the cover art of a 1980s era Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper?

 

May the 4th Be With You (in bed)

So, I was originally going to compose a separate post to announce to this blog’s average daily readership of 1.3427 people that Mockery Court is officially back in session, but then I realized that it’s motherfuckin’ Star Wars Day (!), and I decided that, well, it would require less effort on my part to announce it this way.

The fact that someone, somewhere (they would be British) put actual thought into the timing of this holiday (“May the 4th Be With You totally sounds like May the Force be with you! Get it? It’s a pun!”) pretty much makes fun of itself, so I’ll get right to the good stuff.

 

Science Finally Finds Solution to Age-Old Dilemma!

Have you always been intrigued by the possibility of a homeopathic panacea that utilizes an imprint of your personal total bio-energetic signature, but been dismayed by the lack of options that fit your on-the-go lifestyle? Well, fret no more my friend. The All-New (!) Eagle Guardian Homeopathic Imprinter & Potentizer is the breakthrough you’ve been pray-chanting to your assortment of colored crystals for!

The amazing technology to actually harness the healing power of your own, personal, total bio-energetic signature and store it in a handy (and highly portable!) glass vial can now be yours! Don’t be the last person you know to own what is being hailed as “one of the most exciting and promising discoveries in the field of vibrational medicine”!

And for those of you who can’t live without the latest and greatest accessories for your technological toys, don’t forget to snatch up one of the SP3 Imprinting Plates! Just plug this bad boy into either the input OR output jacks on your Eagle Guardian (talk about multipurpose!) to enjoy all the added benefits that this special combination of “the principles of Ancient Geometry” with “the principles of Vortex Technology” has to offer!

You won’t find the Eagle Guardian and SP3 Imprinting Plate in any store! With a few clicks of the mouse, it can all be yours for the small price of $897, so hurry and order yours today! Hell, the nice folks at EMR Labs will even ship it to you free of charge (As long as your cult’s compound is located within the contiguous United States. No P.O. boxes.)!

 

Perez Hilton Does His Part To Ensure Our Collective Cultural Death Spiral Continues Apace

I’m not sure which is more depressing; the fact that Perez Hilton has officially become a published author, or the fact that there is apparently a large enough potential customer base to warrant his blathering being made available in book form.

Do the majority of his site’s regular visitors actually, like, read books?

 

Save Your Marriage By Squeezing One Out Together

Ok, so this isn’t exactly the newest of new inventions, but true genius never gets old, right? What can be done to salvage the relationship when you and your partner are growing increasingly disgusted with each other? Why, take a crap together of course!

The TwoDaLoo pretty much just makes fun of itself. Even the name is perfection, and I cannot stop saying it. What I want to know is… who’s the lucky bastard that gets to watch the TwoDaLoo’s one 7″ LCD television?

 

Michael Savage Wants To Know Why Anyone Would Ever Travel Anywhere

So I was listening to Michael Savage’s radio show yesterday (don’t ask), when he brought up this recent article in the L.A. Times, entitled “Athens overrated? Yes, and there’s more such travel spots”. I’m guessing what the author might’ve been shooting for is that there ARE more such travel spots. But I digress. Ol’ Mikey seemed rather perplexed by the notion that there could possibly be a reason to, like, go other places, because he likes “his bed” and “his curtains”.

Well shit, Cleetus, I ain’t got no idea why’s anyone would think goin’ to other places wouldn’t be no complete waste of time. What use do I got for fuhrners? Ah don’t wanna leave behind mah freedom fries and “Bless the Troops” car magnet just to go subject mahself to those feckin’ America hatin’ terrorists and their devil talk. They’s probably all a buncha ho-mo-sectuals anyhow.

Why would any self respecting person want to waste their time exposing themselves to different cultures? You have posed a question for the ages, Monsieur Savage.

Might it be to *gasp* learn a thing or two? Expand their worldview? I know, I know… those things are icky and knowledge is dangerous. But bear with me here, my real issue is with the ridiculous twit that wrote the article to which you are referring.

 

2008’s Highest Grossing “Films”

Speaking of sites to which I have a raging addiction, my beloved Pajiba has posted an article profiling the 15 highest grossing “films” (quotation marks because I use this term rather loosely) of this last year. If you’ve ever wondered why Hollywood continues to churn out inexplicable crap at an increasingly exponential rate… this list is your answer. To be fair, I have only seen 4 of the 15, but, luckily, I’m never one to let something like a complete lack of firsthand knowledge stand in the way of my passing judgement.

 

Like, ZOMG, I can’t believe I’m posting a craigslist personals ad!

Ok, so I will openly confess to having a raging addiction to craigslist. Every 4 weeks, like clockwork, I can be found checking the “best of” section for new posts with embarrassing frequency. If you haven’t ever given the “best of” section much of a perusing, I highly recommend that you do so. I have yet to find a more entertaining way to waste excessive amounts of time when I’d rather not do the things I actually need to. Productivity isn’t one of my strong suits, what can I say?

I also like to cruise the personals section and hunt for little gems, like the guy who never leaves his house save for daily trips to the community mailbox on his motorized cart. Needless to say, this section is a veritable goldmine of mock-worthy material and one that I could only quell the urge to respond to for so long.

 

Ford to single-handedly resurrect the struggling American auto industry!

In these uncertain economic times, when you, as a consumer, go to make a sizeable vehicular purchase, what do you rank highest in terms of importance? Fuel economy? Safety features? Cost of ownership? Fuck no! All of those things would be rendered rather moot if your car didn’t have a video camera-based parking system, dontcha think? And it works in downhill parking situations, so suck on that Toyota!

Thank you, American car manufacturers, for responding to the marketplace and providing us with the frivolity and unnecessary features we’ve been demanding!

 

Some people will tell you that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Others insist that inner beauty is what really matters. These people are almost invariably stupid and ugly. Of course there is such a thing as a stupid question. I should know, I answer people’s inane questions for a living. As an independent contractor for a certain “mobile answering service”, I subject my poor, poor grey matter to the intellectual musings of the general population on a near daily basis.