since swine flu is super trendy I wanted to make sure I was in style with my swine flu ring! I got this one in Miami at Big Drop the other day… a flying piggy. Perfect. Kitty Purry was telling me the other night that she remembers when bird flu was in and now pig flu is cool and she wonders when kitty flu is gonna hit, as she would like to be more popular than she currently already is… fame whore.

Is she attempting to take ubiquitous hipster douchebaggery to a new level, making an ironic statement on how incredibly unironic attempting to make an ironic statement with your clothing is? Is this über-irony?

And, perhaps most importantly, does that picture of her look like what would happen if Delta Burke and Pulp Fiction’s Mia Wallace had a lovechild, and that lovechild grew up to be a transvestite with a plastic face that wore way too much makeup and fashioned their own clothes out of material inspired by the cover art of a 1980s era Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper?

The fact that someone, somewhere (they would be British) put actual thought into the timing of this holiday (“May the 4th Be With You totally sounds like May the Force be with you! Get it? It’s a pun!”) pretty much makes fun of itself, so I’ll get right to the good stuff.

What better way to celebrate this most holy of holy days than with some good ol’ fashioned bonin’. Star Wars-style. No, I refer not to the Princess-Leia-in-gold-bikini fantasy. That is sooo Friends episode from 1996. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me the honor of bringing to your attention The Star Wars Kama Sutra from Film School Rejects.

Whether someone that celebrates Star Wars Day will ever actually have sex is an issue for another day.

The amazing technology to actually harness the healing power of your own, personal, total bio-energetic signature and store it in a handy (and highly portable!) glass vial can now be yours! Don’t be the last person you know to own what is being hailed as “one of the most exciting and promising discoveries in the field of vibrational medicine”!

And for those of you who can’t live without the latest and greatest accessories for your technological toys, don’t forget to snatch up one of the SP3 Imprinting Plates! Just plug this bad boy into either the input OR output jacks on your Eagle Guardian (talk about multipurpose!) to enjoy all the added benefits that this special combination of “the principles of Ancient Geometry” with “the principles of Vortex Technology” has to offer!

You won’t find the Eagle Guardian and SP3 Imprinting Plate in any store! With a few clicks of the mouse, it can all be yours for the small price of $897, so hurry and order yours today! Hell, the nice folks at EMR Labs will even ship it to you free of charge (As long as your cult’s compound is located within the contiguous United States. No P.O. boxes.)!

* To be fair, dear Question Asker, I do understand what question you’re actually trying to ask. But I still feel like making fun of the way your dumbass asked it.

Flush your goddamn toilet.

Do the majority of his site’s regular visitors actually, like, read books?

What’s that, you say? Until now, you had somehow managed to remain inexplicably unaware of his crustaceous existence and are curious as to what sort of mental stimulation one might find on his site? Allow me to present, for your esteemed consideration, one of his most popular posts of late: Peen Exposed in Freak Ski Lift Accident!. Compelling, no? Please do take note of the masterfully rendered “pee pee”-with-squiggly-arrow that has been added to the accompanying picture. Such use of MS Paint to craft subtle, yet striking, emphasis is a requisite skill for any true chronicler of our times. Just ask Tom Wolfe or the late (great) Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

C’mon Penguin Books, is this really what you had in mind when you launched your Celebra publishing imprint earlier last year? As the self-proclaimed “first imprint to exclusively publish mainstream Hispanic personalities at a major publishing house”, couldn’t you have gone for something a little, I dunno, less likely to make Johannes Gutenberg burst into epileptic fits in his grave? I know, I know, can’t let Judith Regan have all the fun.

Consider me as having joined Webster’s Is My Bitch in their plea that “Seriously, America. Nobody buy this.”… for fuckin’ realz.

The TwoDaLoo pretty much just makes fun of itself. Even the name is perfection, and I cannot stop saying it. What I want to know is… who’s the lucky bastard that gets to watch the TwoDaLoo’s one 7″ LCD television?

Well shit, Cleetus, I ain’t got no idea why’s anyone would think goin’ to other places wouldn’t be no complete waste of time. What use do I got for fuhrners? Ah don’t wanna leave behind mah freedom fries and “Bless the Troops” car magnet just to go subject mahself to those feckin’ America hatin’ terrorists and their devil talk. They’s probably all a buncha ho-mo-sectuals anyhow.

Why would any self respecting person want to waste their time exposing themselves to different cultures? You have posed a question for the ages, Monsieur Savage.

Might it be to *gasp* learn a thing or two? Expand their worldview? I know, I know… those things are icky and knowledge is dangerous. But bear with me here, my real issue is with the ridiculous twit that wrote the article to which you are referring.

This dude had his own travel series on The Discovery Channel?! WTF mate? His top 5 most overrated “travel spots” are as follows:

• 5. Athens
• 4. Dubai (Thanks for specifying that you’re talking about Dubai, United Arab Emirates, you almost threw me for a loop with that one.)
• 3. Prague (Again, thanks for clarifying which Prague.)
• 2. Moscow
• 1. Paris

What are you, a recent high school graduate from Flyover Country, USA gaining his first glimpse of life outside his own state by “backpacking” through a few highly Westernized European cities? Do you mean to tell me that there are people who do not openly embrace Americans, areas of the world to which a casual jaunt might not be the safest of options, and entire Metropolitan areas in which the general population does not walk around with a perma-smile plastered across their face? Shirley you jest!

These two quotes do a fairly sufficient job of encapsulating the naive absurdity of the entire article:

“There seemed to be an invisible, impenetrable shield between us, and when I tried to break through it, I felt an uneasiness and a sense of mistrust. I didn’t get that vibe in the Westernized parts of town…”

“And my spirit never felt challenged.”

Well fuck me sideways, your spirit never felt challenged! I guess the rest of the world has lost sight of the fact that they, and their cultures, exist primarily for this purpose. That was established as law at Nuremberg, right?

The basic premise of this guy’s otherwise worthless article does have me a bit curious though. Which perennially popular travel spots could you not care less about visiting? I actually might have to toss my hat in the ring with this guy when it comes to Paris. I like the idea of backpacking through France’s countryside and checking out their amazing Gothic Cathedrals in places like Amiens and Chartres, though. Unsanctioned exploration of the Odessa Catacombs in Ukraine? Now we’re talkin’!

(What, you’ve already seen this video eleventy billion times? Too bad.)