2008’s Highest Grossing “Films”

Speaking of sites to which I have a raging addiction, my beloved Pajiba has posted an article profiling the 15 highest grossing “films” (quotation marks because I use this term rather loosely) of this last year. If you’ve ever wondered why Hollywood continues to churn out inexplicable crap at an increasingly exponential rate… this list is your answer. To be fair, I have only seen 4 of the 15, but, luckily, I’m never one to let something like a complete lack of firsthand knowledge stand in the way of my passing judgement.

 

Like, ZOMG, I can’t believe I’m posting a craigslist personals ad!

Ok, so I will openly confess to having a raging addiction to craigslist. Every 4 weeks, like clockwork, I can be found checking the “best of” section for new posts with embarrassing frequency. If you haven’t ever given the “best of” section much of a perusing, I highly recommend that you do so. I have yet to find a more entertaining way to waste excessive amounts of time when I’d rather not do the things I actually need to. Productivity isn’t one of my strong suits, what can I say?

I also like to cruise the personals section and hunt for little gems, like the guy who never leaves his house save for daily trips to the community mailbox on his motorized cart. Needless to say, this section is a veritable goldmine of mock-worthy material and one that I could only quell the urge to respond to for so long.

 

Ford to single-handedly resurrect the struggling American auto industry!

In these uncertain economic times, when you, as a consumer, go to make a sizeable vehicular purchase, what do you rank highest in terms of importance? Fuel economy? Safety features? Cost of ownership? Fuck no! All of those things would be rendered rather moot if your car didn’t have a video camera-based parking system, dontcha think? And it works in downhill parking situations, so suck on that Toyota!

Thank you, American car manufacturers, for responding to the marketplace and providing us with the frivolity and unnecessary features we’ve been demanding!

 

“Is they’re name for a girl version of the teabag?”

Hmm, now that you mention it, I think there was an article in Cosmo just last month about pleasing your man by standing astride his face and dipping your ovaries into his mouth.

 

“My due date is on July 5 2009 when will my baby be born and what gender will it be?”

What do I look like, a friggin’ gyno? Based on the info you just gave me, how in God’s name do you expect me to predict when you will (unfortunately) squeeze out your spawn? I’ll just take a shot in the dark here… probably somewhere around July 5th of next (shit, this) year.

 

“Who won the 2004 United States Presidential Election?”

… No, but really. Please go die.

 

Scripture for the sexually inept?

Initially, this question seemed rather innocuous.

“Can u give me a scripture out of the bible that will help me thru a hard time”

Then I noticed their previous question, sent about 6 minutes prior to the one I had just received.

“Wats the best thing to do when your eating a girl out”

Ha. Ha ha. That is all.

 

“Can you get poop on your dick from having buttsex with a girl?”

Of course not. You can only get poop on your dick from having buttsex with a guy. Girls don’t poop.

 

“Can a contour memory foam pillow freeze?”

Great question, thanks for asking. I’m guessing that your memory foam pillow, which moulds itself to the shape of your body, is not generally in a completely solid state. I’m not positive, though, so why don’t you go take a nap in that Deepfreeze out in the garage and let me know?

 

Some people will tell you that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Others insist that inner beauty is what really matters. These people are almost invariably stupid and ugly. Of course there is such a thing as a stupid question. I should know, I answer people’s inane questions for a living. As an independent contractor for a certain “mobile answering service”, I subject my poor, poor grey matter to the intellectual musings of the general population on a near daily basis.